PORTLAND, OREGON– For the last year and a half, a local maskless office worker named Margaret Johnson has been quietly preparing for her death ever since her liberal coworkers informed her that by not wearing a cloth mask to protect herself she will most certainly die.
Even though many of her masked coworkers have already passed away due to a lack of oxygen and also breathing in their own bacteria for twenty-four hours a day while wearing nine face masks, Johnson says the words of her deceased Democrat colleagues still weigh heavily on her nervous mind.
“According to my current and former coworkers, I’m going to die any day now,” said an unmasked Johnson, putting her head down in shame as a triple masked woman walked by and huffed. “I’m torn between wearing a mask to protect myself from a 0.001% chance of dying from COVID-19 or upholding my maskless Republican, rightwing beliefs.”
One of Johnson’s liberal coworkers named Abby McMasters pointed out the fact that not only will Johnson kill herself by not masking up, but she’ll also kill everyone around her.
“She’s gonna die any minute now,” McMasters said through eleven masks as she struggled to breathe air into her three hundred pound body. “Her anti-science refusal to wear a mask is also putting my health at risk. I’m down to only eating nine meals a day because the more I take off my mask the more I breathe in Johnson’s deadly air droplets.”
Johnson says she still has nightmares from all her dead liberal acquaintances constantly screaming at her at the office to just put on a damn mask and stop denying the science.
“I haven’t worn a mask in almost two years now,” Johnson added with a look of trepidation. “I guess there’s no sense starting now since I’ll be dead very soon.”
It only works if you wear it.