WASHINGTON– Speaker Nancy Pelosi has updated her mask mandate once again for House members after Republicans stated they wouldn’t comply with threats of arrest by Capitol Police, saying that any staff or visitor who refuses to wear a mask will be forced to gaze directly into Pelosi’s eyes and be turned to stone as punishment.
Pelosi ramped up her strict mask policy after the CDC issued new guidelines requiring all people to wear 900 masks at once regardless of vaccination status. Republicans scoffed at Pelosi’s new 900 face mask policy, claiming that it’s not based on science.
Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy says he will continue to wear only 700 masks over his nose and mouth. He added that he doesn’t fear Pelosi’s deadly stare or the fact that she’s so hideous that anyone brave enough to look into her face will be instantly turned to stone.
“I fear no man or beast, including the Gorgon beast known as Speaker Pelosi,” McCarthy said to news reporters after gouging out his eyes so Pelosi would have no effect on him. “I follow all the real science and have already gotten my 200 COVID-19 vaccines and 400 booster shots, but Pelosi’s taking this too far.”
House member Rep. Thomas Massie from Kentucky called Pelosi a hypocrite, reminding his ten Twitter followers that Mrs. Medusa flouted her own rules last year during the pandemic by going maskless inside a salon while getting her snake hair color-treated.
“She’s drunk on power and her massive ego’s gone to her serpent head,” McCarthy added, standing in front of a now stone Senator Ted Cruz. “She’s recently stretched her tentacles out even further and is also requiring members of the Senate to follow her mythological insanity.
“Our constituents are going to start thinking that maybe this whole COVID pandemic was a hoax, which it’s not. Trust me, I’m a politician, I never lie, even when my mouth’s moving.”
