BEIJING, CHINA– A never-before-seen quote from famed Chinese philosopher Confucius has been unearthed recently in Beijing, China, a discovery that the altruistic Chinese government hopes will encourage the remaining vaccine hesitant Americans to finally take the jab. China promises that they have Americans best interests at heart this time.
Chinese officials made the announcement Monday morning after an energetic zoom call with a coherent Joe Biden who informed China’s President Xi Jinping that too many rightwing Trump supporters are still reluctant to take the extremely safe, immensely effective, and magically delicious COVID-19 vaccine.
“We truly love all Americans, especially Trump supporters,” said Shuōhuăng de rén, a spokesman for the Chinese Communist Party. “We have recently discovered a long lost quote by our most famous philosopher Confucius, who was urging all future Americans over two thousand years ago to take our totally safe, China-made COVID vaccine. And we all know how much Americans love those Chinese quotes they get inside our tasty fortune cookies.”
According to China, the lost Confucius vaccine quote takes a deep and meaningful look into the shortcomings of the American man and his refusal to get injected with the new experimental gene therapy shot.
“This is a totally legitimate quote and we swear it wasn’t forged,” said Shuōhuăng de rén as he pinky swore in front of CNN reporters. “As an added bonus, if you Americans go get the jab right now then we’ll throw in another free Confucius saying that we mysteriously discovered about ten minutes ago out in the parking lot.
“This other Confucius quote also explains the importance of every American citizen getting the vaccine before anyone notices that more and more people are dropping dead from the shot, er, I mean, before our American friends get sick from the nasty virus that you have to get tested for to even know that you have it.”
