WILIMINGTON, DELAWARE– Austere scholar Joseph Stalin has reportedly cast his vote for Joe Biden and is urging other living voters to throw their support behind the Democratic nominee by getting their legal ballots in while the counting is still underway.
According to an anonymous CNN source, Stalin hadn’t voted for 67 years, not because he’s been dead the entire time, but because he felt that there wasn’t any decent candidates until Biden came along.
Many Donald Trump-supporting conspiracy theorists are claiming that thousands of dead people have cast illegal votes for Biden, including the once beloved, peaceful leader Stalin. Sources close to the Soviet Union’s nonviolent dignitary say that Stalin is very much alive and that he now considers the United States his home.
“Yes, I am very much alive, comrades,” Stalin was reported to have said. “I am living proof that all the false accusations by the Trump campaign that the Democrats are committing voter fraud with dead people is nonsense. I will not be taking any questions from the media and when Biden becomes president I will be going back into hiding, so don’t try looking for me.”
A few Democrat politicians, who are close acquaintances of Mr. Stalin, say that he is a very spry and energetic man considering he will be 142-years-old this December.
Barack Obama, a spokesperson for Biden who is totally unrelated to President Obama, told reporters that there is absolutely no evidence of election rigging on the part of the Democrats. He added that just because people like Stalin, Elvis Presley, Albert Einstein, and George Washington all voted for Biden doesn’t mean there’s anything duplicitous going on.
“There’s nothing to see here, move along,” the spokesperson promised as a few ballots fell out of his pocket. “This is merely a desperate attempt by Trump to undermine our election process by claiming Abraham Lincoln didn’t actually vote for Biden. What happens inside the privacy of a voting booth is no one’s business except for the person inside there who thinks they are who they are.”
