ATLANTA, GEORGIA– Due to the success of the LGBTQ town hall held in Los Angeles on October 10, CNN has decided to hold yet another event that CNN president Jeff Zucker believes will be an even greater ratings juggernaut than the last 69 town halls combined this year.
The latest town hall program will center around the country’s large Finnish paganist toad doctors who identify as oxygen population. Political experts are predicting that this much sought after group of voters will ultimately decide which candidate wins the 2020 presidential election.
Seven Democratic presidential candidates, including former Vice President Joe Biden, Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, have accepted the invitation to participate in the next CNN town hall next month, which will run for 55 consecutive days.
The live event will start on November 1 and end on December 25, giving Americans a legitimate reason to skip the antiquated Christmas holiday this year.
As usual, two candidates will appear back-to-back each hour as a moderator takes questions from the audience, which will consist entirely of Finnish paganist toad doctors who identify as oxygen.
This hourly cycle will continue every hour until all the other candidates drop out, leaving one of the Warrens in the lead.
A small, last minute rule change that requires some of the candidates to have the last name “Warren” left many of the other Democrat presidential hopefuls out of the upcoming town hall. Some familiar faces will be absent this time around, including former HUD Secretary Julián Castro, South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg, California Sen. Kamala Harris, and New Jersey Sen. Corey Booker.
Citing conflicts with reality, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard declined the invitation to participate in the event.
Last night on the highly rated hit news program Reliable Sources, frontrunner Elizabeth Warren told quirky host Brian Stelter that she recently discovered that she now identifies as a Finnish paganist toad doctor who identifies as oxygen.
“I honestly didn’t not start identifying as a Finnish paganist toad doctor who identifies as oxygen as soon as I didn’t not hear about this next town hall,” Warren promised Stelter in an eight hour news program dedicated to her recent revelation.
A spokesman for CNN stated that any future leaked audio of CNN president Jeff Zucker telling staffers to hold this charade of a town hall for ratings is merely President Donald Trump disguising his voice to sound like Zucker.
