WASHINGTON– Determined to serve justice to the American people in regards to the Ukraine controversy, bearded House Democrats have buckled down on their fight to take down Donald Trump and have solemnly vowed to refrain from shaving until the president is impeached.
In an urgent press conference this morning, scruffy House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., and a few of her unshaven Democrat colleagues told reporters that they are very serious about the hairy situation that Trump has put them in.
“This is a very serious– a very serious– challenge put forth by the president,” a bewhiskered Pelosi started to say with fellow hirsute Democrats Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Adam Schiff (D-Calif.), and Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.) by her side. “The smooth-skinned president thinks that us Democrats will get tired of our itchy beards and shave them, but I’m here to tell everyone that we’re in this for the long haul.”
Although the identity of the whistleblower remains a mystery, anonymous sources claim that the unnamed person has a beard that reaches down to their nipples.
Furry House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff, D-Calif., promised reporters that he’s definitely not “fooling around” and proceeded to let CNN news reporter Jim Acosta pull on his long facial hair.
“This beard’s all real, Jim,” Schiff said with a woolly smile as Acosta appeared impressed. “Throughout our history, many men and women have protested their corrupt governments by refusing to shave their facial hair. And by the length of my beard, you know our government’s as corrupt as they come.”
Shaggy Democrats have vowed that they mean business this time and have urged every clean-shaven member of Congress, whether Democrat or Republican, to join them in their bristly impeachment movement that they have titled Impeach Trump! Respect the beard, not the president.
While shaving inside the White House’s Oval Office bathroom, Trump appeared unfazed by the Democrat’s fuzzy protest as he took to Twitter to give his opinion on the entire fluffy impeachment process.
“Their beards are a disaster,” Trump tweeted on Thursday as he shaved his face for the fifth time this morning. “They’re do-nothing Democrats. Their whole beard-growing protest is just another excuse not to do any work. It takes a real, testosterone-fueled man to shave his face every hour of the day like I do.”
Even though the president excoriated the Democrats for their treasonous practices and useless “impeachment nonsense,” he did go on record to compliment Nancy Pelosi for her ability to grow a thicker and more masculine beard than both Schiff and Schumer.
There’s been no word on whether any currently bearded Republicans such as Ted Cruz, R-Texas, will be shaving their facial hair in support of Donald Trump and against the Democrat’s protest.
Calls to Cruz’s office have been forwarded to Justin Trudeau’s hairstylist.
