TRENTON, NEW JERSEY– New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy is currently tackling one of the state’s most important issues, which is trying to find ways to increase the much-needed seagull population in the Garden State.
During an appearance on CNN’s dependable news program Anderson Cooper 360° this week, the governor told Cooper that the state’s seagull population has plummeted massively over the last decade and that if something’s not done then the glorious bird will eventually face possible extinction.
Murphy stated that seagulls have become one of New Jersey’s main attractions, and that people from all over the world come here to catch a glimpse of these fine, majestic birds. He says that the main reason everyone loves coming to the Jersey shore is to spend time with the raucous birds as they attack, squawk, defecate, peck babies, and steal your food.
He went on to say that he will be implementing a mandatory but small 69% tax on the state’s citizens and the money will be used to find ways to help increase the bird’s numbers, such as feeding the gulls newly created Viagra pills that scientists made specifically for birds.
“Our state will not survive unless we do something about the declining seagull population,” Murphy told the skeptical CNN host as he held up a chart of seagull facts.
Murphy added, “I spent the last six months going around the entire state of New Jersey personally counting every single sultry seagull that I could find. I spent many a cold night sitting outside in local parks, beaches, and fast food restaurant garbage bins trying to calculate how many of these passionate birds we presently have.”
According to Murphy’s official finger counts, as of 2023 New Jersey has approximately 5 million seagulls currently residing within the state. His ultimate 4 year goal is to expand the seagull population by at least 500 million and to have the birds eventually outnumber people.
“I want there to be a minimum of 100 seagulls to every one person.”
He went on to say that his serious views on tackling climate change have played a major factor in the need to increase the number of seagulls that spend their time harassing people and animals, stealing food, ripping through trash, and defecating with impunity everywhere that they congregate.
“How does more seagulls equate to a greener earth and cleaner environment?” Anderson Cooper asked Murphy as his voice fluctuated. “Do you actually believe more defecating seagulls will combat climate change?”
“Yes,” Murphy replied succinctly. “In a recent poll conducted by your network, Anderson, a whopping 98% of New Jersey residents are in favor of the seagull tax that will only cost the taxpayers a meager $88 billion dollars a year. That’s a drop in the bucket compared to the satisfaction of having almost a billion beautiful seagulls in our great state hopefully by the year 2027.”
The governor added that the other 2% who voted against the seagull tax were probably gun-loving, climate change denying, Donald Trump MAGA supporters who hate animals for not wanting more beneficial seagulls in the state.
