OTTAWA, CANADA– Throughout Canada’s history, the brave people of the Canadian Army have fought to defend the safety and honor of its country.
Canada’s current Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will undoubtedly go down in history as well, thanks to his new armed forces military program that he guarantees will set the great northern country apart form the rest of the world.
The Canada Goose Military Unit program is unlike any other military unit in the world, claims Trudeau. He says he came up with the idea of utilizing geese as weapons of mass destruction after spending a day in a local park picking up dangerous plastic straws and spoons.
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, eh,” Trudeau said as he batted his long eyelashes. “I was standing there in the local Canada Goose Droppings Park, eh, and I saw all these glorious geese walking so orderly in a straight line and I immediately thought that these nubile fellows would make great servicemen and women, eh.”
Trudeau went on to say that it is an honor and a privilege to have these dedicated geese serve directly under him and he’s proud that they chose to give back to the country that has treated them so well.
With millions of Canada geese at Trudeau’s personal disposal, he promises that these large, masculine, hunky birds will strike fear in the hearts of the enemy.
Under both sun and rain, the geese undergo a ten week training course to get them acclimated to the rigors of working directly under Trudeau as his personal military companions.
When asked by CNN Canada Eh reporters exactly what it is that these geese are training for, Trudeau furrowed his eyebrows and giggled inappropriately.
“That’s top secret government stuff, eh,” Trudeau said sternly as he showed a few geese how to properly search the ground for food with his mouth. “Let’s just say that the world will never look at us Canadians in the same way after I get done improving our country.
“I’m taking these geese under my wing, so to speak, and teaching them everything that I know from years of my vast military training,” Trudeau promised, showing reporters his cute goose socks.
“Every one of these gorgeous birds will be experts in the art of warfare, eh, and I’m fitting every one of them with their own adorable army helmets and flashy backpacks so they can look like real passionate military guys. No one will even notice that they’re all in blackface.”
Trudeau ended his statement by saying that training all these geese in the art of Trudeau-style techniques will cost the Canadian taxpayers a meager C$1,305,049,200,000 (US$988 billion.) He promises this a small price to pay, saying that if geese are busy then they won’t have as much time to defecate, which in turn will help combat climate change and save the polar ice caps from melting.
No word on whether United States President Donald Trump will be utilizing similar techniques with America’s millions of seagulls.
