SPRINGWOOD, OHIO– The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has accepted a New Drug Application for Elmstreetrant, an investigational treatment for insomnia.
The doctor who invented the drug is none other than burnt serial killer Freddy Krueger, who after a slew of Nightmare on Elm Street movies, went into medical school where he graduated at the head of his class.
After trading in his red sweater and glove for a white lab coat and stethoscope, Dr. Krueger devoted his life to finding a cure for the countless people who have trouble sleeping at night.
“I’ve always taken an interest in sleep disorders,” Dr. Krueger said with a charred smile, holding a clipboard with no pen. “I know I’ve been accused of doing a lot of naughty things in the past such as murdering people in their dreams, but I’ve turned over a new leaf.”
Dr Krueger went on to say that the reason why he decided to focus his attention on curing insomnia was because he wanted to make amends to the countless people that he slaughtered.
“I just want people to sleep.”
Desperate insomniacs have tried many things over the years in an effort to fall asleep at night, such as counting sheep, eating warm milk and cookies, counting the pimples on a spouse’s back, and watching C-SPAN.
The drug Elmstreetrant was developed to bring relief to the countless people living with insomnia, not as an excuse to get unsuspecting people to fall asleep so that they too can be murdered.
A 6 month study was conducted to test the safety and efficacy of Elmstreetrant.
The most common reported adverse effects for the Elmstreetrant tested group were intense pain, suffocation, and death.
