OXNARD, CALIFORNIA– A chiropractor from Oxnard, who happens to be a chimpanzee, is being heralded as the future of modern chiropractic care.
Dr. Koko Bongo is an 8-year-old chimpanzee who has been practicing for a little over a year and is already seeing more patients than the majority of human chiropractors around town, and boasts an almost one hundred percent kill rate.
After graduating from Moeg En Kwaad College in Africa, Dr. Bongo acquired his training from Onnosel University in 2023 after successfully killing over one thousand monkeys to earn his chiropractic degree, later heading out to California where he opened up his own practice called “Dr. Bongo’s Primate Chiropractic.”
Even though Dr. Bongo doesn’t speak any human language and merely communicates with everyone in sign language and a series of grunts and howls, he has already earned himself a Chiropractor of the Year Award for injuring and killing more patients than any other chiropractic in the United States.
“Who says chimpanzees can’t do the job humans can do,” said John Goodall, a research scientist from the Anthropoid Studies Institute who’s been studying Dr. Bongo from afar for the last three months. “During my three-month study of Dr. Bongo, I’ve seen him paralyze patients with more precision than any so-called human doctor could ever do. Perhaps one day every human working in the medical field will be replaced by these more highly intelligent primates.”
With a chuckle, Goodall added, “I guess maybe that proves the old saying that something can be so easy that a monkey can do it, or in this case a chimpanzee.”
In light of Dr. Bongo’s work, researchers are sending other chimpanzees to medical school where they are being trained to do other mediocre medical tasks, such as brain surgery, limb replacement, accidental deaths, and insurance fraud.
