Scientific Acheivement: Scientist Trains Elephant To Use Human Toilet

TANZANIA, AFRICA– An elephant in Africa has become the first of its kind to use a human-sized toilet whenever it has the urge to relieve itself. The scientist who trained the animal says that the elephant also wipes itself afterwards and then flushes the toilet.

Earl the elephant, 11, took only two weeks to learn how to use a toilet and then another fifteen minutes to learn how to wipe itself with toilet paper. Scientists around the world are calling this one of the greatest animal achievements in history since Jane Goodall trained a chimpanzee to use its backhand when slapping its unfaithful mate.

“On average, elephants produce about 165 pounds of feces per day,” said Dennis Stooley, the scientist who trained Earl in the art of toilet defecation. “Earl poops every five to six hours, so we have to make sure that there’s enough toilet paper for him or else he’ll get a little cranky. I mean, how would you feel if you went to the restroom and then found out afterwards that there wasn’t any paper left?”

Although Earl’s monumental scientific achievement will go down in history, the breathtaking act does have its problems, especially for the unfortunate individuals who make their living cleaning the facilities frequented by Earl.

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“It is worst job of my life,” said 39 year old Ubuntu who works as a local bathroom maintenance man. “Every time this Mr. Earl finishes using toilet, it take me five hours to clean it because the elephant gets his excrement all over the seat, the floor, the walls, and also the ceiling. Of course, the American scientists never tell the public about this failure. So yes, Mr. Earl has trouble hitting his target.”

Due to the sheer magnitude of this achievement, scientists have decided to pursue further studies on other animals in the hopes of having the same success as with Earl. Currently, scientist Dennis Stooley is training a seagull to clip its toenails with nail clippers using one wing while using its other wing to drink a beer.