SEATTLE, WASHINGTON– Animal rights groups are outraged after hearing the shocking news that a 21 year old woman was arrested on charges of beating a dead horse earlier this morning in broad daylight.
According to Seattle police, Stacey Brukowski of Spokane was walking along Main Street at approximately 8:30 AM when she approached a dead horse lying on the side of the road and proceeded to beat it.
“Miss Brukowski is currently being held on $10 bail in the Seattle jail,” Officer Tom Sharpe told the hundreds of national news reporters crowding the front steps of the Seattle police station. “The suspect has been charged with the brutal beating of a dead horse with no name after it apparently had been lying on the side of the road for over two weeks.
“Witnesses say that the suspect kept beating the dead horse over and over again,” Officer Sharpe said hesitantly to a stunned crowd. “According to people close to the suspect, Miss Brukowski has a history of wasting time doing things that have already been attempted.”
Witnesses from the horrific scene told local Fox News reporters that it was the most gruesome thing that they had ever seen.
“I’m still shaking,” said Betty Wilma, 32, a naked yoga instructor. “I can’t believe someone could do that to a defenseless animal. I always thought that this was a safe neighborhood. Guess I’ll have to start locking the doors to my home when I practice yoga in the nude.”
“I hope she gets the death penalty,” shouted 49 year old animal lover Sue Wilkins, holding her pet Yorkshire Terrier within her large arms.
“Our local animal rights group Dead Horses Have Rights has already planned a boycott of any 21 year old women named Stacey Brukowski who’s beaten dead horses. We’re already planning a protest at the White House over President Obama saying that this Stacey Brukowski criminal could’ve been his daughter and that she deserves rights too. Well, what about that dead horse’s rights?”
Numerous celebrities have chimed in on their Twitter accounts to give their condolences to the dead horse as well as condemn the Seattle police department for tainting the evidence by throwing the dead horse into a dumpster behind the Fried Horse Chinese Food Restaurant.
“My deepest sympathies to the dead horse’s family,” tweeted Lady Gaga while wearing a dress made out of raw, bloody horse meat.
“Police dropped ball. Tainted evidence will set this Brukowski free,” tweeted O.J. Simpson from his prison cell while getting pounded by a man the size of a horse.
“Sadly, because Obama has done such a poor job as president, never see another dead horse again,” tweeted Donald Trump while eating fried horse meat covered in maple syrup.
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