Democrats Insist Graham Platner’s Decision To Step Aside Was Entirely His Own, Just Like Joe Biden’s
AUGUSTA, MAINE — Democratic leaders across the country stressed Friday that Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner's decision to suspend his campaign was made entirely of his own free will following a…
Google Warns That Without Unqualified Foreign Labor, They Might Have To Hire Americans
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA — Sounding the alarm over the Trump administration’s sweeping new H-1B visa fraud crackdown, Google CEO Sundar Pichai issued a dire warning to shareholders on Thursday, cautioning…
Doctors Say Mitch McConnell Hasn’t Aged A Day Since Beginning Formaldehyde Treatments
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY — Amid mounting public pressure and a frantic search for proof of life, physicians treating Senator Mitch McConnell assured concerned Americans that the longtime Kentucky lawmaker is making…
Graham Platner Comes Forward To Accuse Graham Platner Of Sexual Assault
ELLSWORTH, MAINE — Calling it the most difficult decision of his life, embattled Democratic Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner held an emergency press conference Wednesday morning to publicly accuse Graham…
Congress Introduces Bill Allowing Dead Lawmakers To Continue Voting Via Ouija Board
WASHINGTON — In what congressional leaders hailed as a "common-sense modernization of government," lawmakers unveiled bipartisan legislation Tuesday that would allow members of Congress to continue serving after death by casting…
Newsom Announces 31% Crime Drop Was Verified By Auditors From ‘Quality Learing Center’
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — In a press conference aimed at silencing right-wing critics, Governor Gavin Newsom announced today that violent crime in California has plummeted by an astonishing 31%, revealing the…
British Man Charged With Assault After Bruising Attacker’s Knuckles With His Face
LONDON — In a stunning display of modern, progressive crowd control, the Metropolitan Police have officially charged a 24-year-old British man with three counts of "Aggravated Facial Assault" after he…
CDC Declares Chuck Schumer’s Fourth Of July BBQ A Public Health Emergency
ATLANTA, GEORGIA— The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) elevated Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer's annual Fourth of July cookout to a Level 1 Public Health Emergency this weekend…
Mayor Mamdani Executes Defiant Air Conditioner To Enforce Heatwave Edict
NEW YORK — Standing before a high-definition camera in front of City Hall, far-left socialist Muslim Mayor Zohran Mamdani released a chilling video Friday in which he stood behind a…
Tearful Mark Carney Uses Canada Day Address To Thank Millions Of Indian Immigrants For Replacing Nation’s White People
OTTAWA, ONTARIO — Wiping away tears during a deeply emotional, nationally televised address from Parliament Hill this morning, Prime Minister Mark Carney used his annual Canada Day speech to express…
Mitch McConnell’s Office Insists Proof Of Life Photo Is Authentic
WASHINGTON — Hoping to put weeks of speculation about the senator's whereabouts to rest, Mitch McConnell's office released what aides described as a "completely authentic and very reassuring proof of…
Supreme Court Rules Babies Born At Disney World Are Intellectual Property Of Disney
WASHINGTON — In a devastating 5-4 decision that further entrenched the controversial "magic dirt" theory of birthright citizenship, the Supreme Court ruled today that any baby born within the boundaries of…
