Criminals Accuse Other Criminals Of Being Criminals
WASHINGTON—Expressing feigned shock that a fellow member of the ruling class would engage in illicit behavior, top Democrats announced this week that longtime colleague and current California gubernatorial candidate Rep.…
Trump Orders Airstrikes On CNN Headquarters After Claiming Network Months Away From Developing Nuclear Weapons
WASHINGTON — In a stunning escalation of his long-running feud with the media, Donald Trump announced Thursday that he had authorized precision airstrikes on the headquarters of CNN, citing credible intelligence…
Gavin Newsom Appoints Gavin Newsom To Investigate Fraud Committed Under Gavin Newsom
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Following a relentless barrage of reports from pesky independent journalists claiming billions of taxpayer dollars have mysteriously vanished, California Governor Gavin Newsom announced that he has appointed…
Trump Releases Official Limited-Edition Gold Nuclear Fallout Masks
WASHINGTON — As global tensions continue to rise over the escalating conflict with Iran, President Donald Trump announced the launch of a new product line of limited-edition, gold-plated nuclear fallout…
Pam Bondi Reassigned As White House Easter Bunny In Lateral Move
WASHINGTON — Just weeks after being abruptly ousted from her position as the nation’s top law enforcement officer for a historic lack of productivity, former Attorney General Pam Bondi was reassigned…
Artemis II Crew Frustrated After Getting Stuck Behind Only Other Rocket In Entirety Of Space
LOW EARTH ORBIT — Despite the universe consisting of an estimated 93 billion light-years of wide-open, unobstructed territory, NASA’s Artemis II crew reported a mounting frustration after getting stuck behind…
Congress Takes Break From Doing Nothing To Continue Doing Nothing For Easter
WASHINGTON — Exhausted from months of not doing anything productive, members of Congress announced Sunday they would temporarily pause their regularly scheduled inaction in order to observe Easter by continuing…
UK Unveils New Culturally Sensitive Easter Bunny
LONDON, UK — In a move to promote inclusivity during the Easter holiday, the British government announced that this year’s Easter Bunny will appear in a full-face burka and niqab…
Nation’s Elite Pedophiles Send Fired Pam Bondi Tearful ‘Sorry To See You Go’ Card
WASHINGTON—Calling her the best friend the predator class has ever had, the nation’s wealthiest and most connected pedophiles issued a formal "Sorry to See You Go" card to former Attorney…
Artemis II Astronaut Turns To Pillar Of Salt After Looking Back At Earth
CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA — In a bizarre incident that has left fellow crew members speechless, an Artemis II astronaut was converted into a pillar of salt just moments after entering…
Eric Swalwell Claims He Couldn’t Have Slept With Fang Fang Because She’s A Woman
WASHINGTON — In a stunning new defense against allegations that he had a years-long sexual relationship with suspected Chinese spy Fang Fang, California Representative Eric Swalwell told FBI investigators Tuesday…
British Man Hit By Bus Apologizes To Bus For Being In The Way
LONDON, UK — Traffic in Central London ground to a halt Tuesday morning, after a 54-year-old British man was struck by a double-decker bus, with the victim refusing to be…
