EU Solves Objectification Of Female Athletes By Mandating Progressive, Full-Body Burkas
BRUSSELS — Building upon recent European Broadcasting Union guidelines aimed at eliminating the sexualization of women in sports, the European Union announced that it has definitively solved the issue of…
Mayor Mamdani Condemns Church Arsonists For Not Using Halal Matches
NEW YORK—Responding to yet another church fire this week, Mayor Mamdani held a solemn press conference Tuesday to condemn what he described as the deeply irresponsible decision by the alleged…
Mark Carney Celebrates Grocery Inflation Slowdown After Canadians Can No Longer Afford Groceries
OTTAWA — Touting a massive economic victory for the middle class, Prime Minister Mark Carney held a celebratory press conference to announce that Canada’s runaway grocery inflation has slowed significantly,…
Raytheon, Lockheed Martin Lower Flags To Half-Mast For Top Salesman Lindsey Graham
ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA — Defense contractors across the country entered an official period of mourning after the passing of longtime Senator Lindsey Graham, whom executives affectionately remembered as the greatest salesman…
Bigfoot Researchers Believe They Have Captured Rare Footage Of Wild Mitch McConnell
KENTUCKY — A team of veteran Bigfoot researchers announced this week they may have made the most significant cryptozoological discovery in modern history after accidentally capturing what experts believe is…
Democrats Insist Graham Platner’s Decision To Step Aside Was Entirely His Own, Just Like Joe Biden’s
AUGUSTA, MAINE — Democratic leaders across the country stressed Friday that Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner's decision to suspend his campaign was made entirely of his own free will following a…
Google Warns That Without Unqualified Foreign Labor, They Might Have To Hire Americans
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA — Sounding the alarm over the Trump administration’s sweeping new H-1B visa fraud crackdown, Google CEO Sundar Pichai issued a dire warning to shareholders on Thursday, cautioning…
Doctors Say Mitch McConnell Hasn’t Aged A Day Since Beginning Formaldehyde Treatments
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY — Amid mounting public pressure and a frantic search for proof of life, physicians treating Senator Mitch McConnell assured concerned Americans that the longtime Kentucky lawmaker is making…
Graham Platner Comes Forward To Accuse Graham Platner Of Sexual Assault
ELLSWORTH, MAINE — Calling it the most difficult decision of his life, embattled Democratic Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner held an emergency press conference Wednesday morning to publicly accuse Graham…
Congress Introduces Bill Allowing Dead Lawmakers To Continue Voting Via Ouija Board
WASHINGTON — In what congressional leaders hailed as a "common-sense modernization of government," lawmakers unveiled bipartisan legislation Tuesday that would allow members of Congress to continue serving after death by casting…
Newsom Announces 31% Crime Drop Was Verified By Auditors From ‘Quality Learing Center’
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — In a press conference aimed at silencing right-wing critics, Governor Gavin Newsom announced today that violent crime in California has plummeted by an astonishing 31%, revealing the…
British Man Charged With Assault After Bruising Attacker’s Knuckles With His Face
LONDON — In a stunning display of modern, progressive crowd control, the Metropolitan Police have officially charged a 24-year-old British man with three counts of "Aggravated Facial Assault" after he…
