Trump-China Summit Postponed After Xi’s Arm Breaks Following One Handshake
BEIJING, CHINA — The highly anticipated summit between U.S. President Donald Trump and Chinese President Xi Jinping was abruptly postponed on Wednesday after Trump's signature "pump-and-pull" greeting resulted in a…
Dr. Fauci Insists Hantavirus Vaccine Requires Conducting Highly Painful Experiments On Beagles
BETHESDA, MARYLAND — Saying he just couldn't sit on the sidelines while a perfectly good rodent-borne pathogen unfolded, Dr. Fauci emerged from retirement Monday to inform the public that a…
Arsonists Of America Endorse Karen Bass For L.A. Mayor
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Citing her inspiringly hands-off approach to combustion, the Arsonists of America (AoA) officially announced their endorsement of Karen Bass for re-election as Mayor of Los Angeles,…
Lockheed Martin Releases Touching Mother’s Day Ad Thanking Moms For ‘Raising Our Future Customer Base’
BETHESDA, MARYLAND — In a bold departure from traditional corporate holiday messaging, global aerospace and defense conglomerate Lockheed Martin debuted a touching Mother's Day campaign this morning, thanking American mothers for…
After Careful Reflection, Keir Starmer Concludes Massive Labour Defeat Caused By Everyone Except Keir Starmer
LONDON, UK — Following a disastrous week of local election results that saw the Labour Party hemorrhage more than 1,300 council seats while losing Wales for the first time in…
Katie Porter Tries To Woo Suburban Moms By Berating Babies
IRVINE, CALIFORNIA — In a desperate bid to humanize her image ahead of the June primary, gubernatorial candidate Katie Porter pivoted from the traditional baby-kissing campaign trail cliché, attempting to win…
Balenciaga Introduces First-Ever Designer Adrenochrome IV Bag For The Busy Celeb On The Go
NEW YORK — Stating that the modern celebrity simply doesn't have the time to maintain a youthful glow through traditional hours-long youth-harvesting rituals, French fashion house Balenciaga has unveiled the…
Local Canada Goose Disgusted Watching Immigrant Poop On Toronto Beach
TORONTO, ONTARIO — Staring in disgusted silence as an immigrant squatted and defecated directly on Toronto’s Cherry Beach, a disgruntled Canada goose named Gary announced his disgust over the growing…
Dead Voters Beg Congress To Pass SAVE Act So They Can Finally Rest In Peace
U.S. —Citing extreme exhaustion and a desperate desire for eternal slumber, a coalition of several million deceased Americans held a silent, subterranean rally this week to demand that Congress immediately…
Galactic Inflation Hits Hard As Single Portion Of Blue Milk Now Costs 45 Credits
MOS EISLEY, TATOOINE — Families across the Outer Rim are waking up to a harsh economic reality this week as the price of everyday groceries reaches astronomical new heights as…
Gavin Newsom’s Tough Guy Photo Op Undermined By Extremely Gay Power Tool Stance
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Governor Gavin Newsom’s choreographed photo opportunity at a California construction site was reportedly ruined after his attempt to project a rugged, working-class image was completely undermined by…
Laid-Off Spirit Airlines Employee Finds Comforting, Familiar Threat Of Physical Violence At New Waffle House Job
ATLANTA, GEORGIA —Following the official permanent grounding of Spirit Airlines last week, former gate agent Jerome Higgins reported that he has successfully transitioned to the graveyard shift at a local…
