AOC Livestreams Herself Beginning Egg-Freezing Process By Swallowing Three Bags Of Ice Cubes
WASHINGTON — Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) took to Instagram Live this weekend to kick off her biological egg-freezing process several months ahead of schedule by swallowing three entire five-pound bags…
Congress Finally Reaches Bipartisan Agreement To Ignore Voters
WASHINGTON — In a rare display of bipartisan cooperation, congressional Republicans and Democrats announced Saturday that they had reached a historic agreement to ignore the will of American voters, ending…
Martians Starting To Feel Like Aliens On Their Own Planet After Influx Of 10 Million Earthling Settlers
JEZERO CRATER, MARS — Gazing out over a red, dust-swept valley now choked with 400,000 motorized space-rickshaws, hundreds of cosmic Tim Hortons, dozens of call centers, and trash and poop…
Minnesota Weather Service Forecasts 90% Chance Of Mugging
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — The Minnesota Weather Service issued a statewide Mugging Advisory on Friday, forecasting a 90% chance of robbery throughout the Twin Cities this evening, with scattered purse snatchings expected…
Moderna Offers Free Tombstone To Anyone Getting New mRNA Flu Vaccine
CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS — Pharmaceutical giant Moderna announced Thursday that it is offering a free tombstone to anyone receiving its newly approved mRNA flu vaccine, giving customers an exciting new opportunity…
Scientists Rediscover Rare White Canadian Species Thought To Be Extinct
BRAMPTON, ONTARIO — In a stunning breakthrough that has captivated the global scientific community, an international team of field researchers has successfully photographed a living, breathing Legacy White Canadian—a localized species…
Mamdani Labels Grocery ID Critics ‘Grocery Fraud Deniers’
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Declaring that democracy begins in the produce aisle, Mayor Mamdani lashed out Monday at critics of his new government grocery store ID requirement, accusing opponents…
CNN Anchor Dana Bash Pauses RFK Jr. Interview To Check Bank App For Pfizer Wire Transfer
WASHINGTON — During a highly combative Sunday morning segment on CNN’s State of the Union, anchor Dana Bash was forced to call an unprecedented, mid-segment time-out to confirm that a…
Trump Asks Siri If He’s Currently At War With Iran
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump paused a meeting inside the Oval Office Saturday morning, pulled out his iPhone, and quietly asked Siri whether the United States was currently at war…
Fauci Bursts Into Flames After Catching Glimpse Of Healthy Unvaccinated Man
WASHINGTON — Panic erupted at the Capitol on Friday after a perfectly healthy, unvaccinated man walked past the congressional building, causing former NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci to hiss violently…
Britain Solves Spanish Border Crisis By Dispatching Ferry To Bring Moroccans Directly To The UK
LONDON, UK — Declaring that every international crisis is merely an opportunity to demonstrate British hospitality on someone else's behalf, the UK government announced Friday that it had solved Spain's…
Doctors Say Mitch McConnell Making Steady Recovery From Being Dead
WASHINGTON — In an effort to dispel mounting conspiracy theories regarding the Senator's seven-week disappearance from the public eye, the office of Mitch McConnell released a highly encouraging health update,…
