TRENTON, NEW JERSEY — Following the horrifying revelation that a New Jersey DMV software glitch accidentally exposed the registration of roughly 6,600 non-citizens, state Democrats quickly sprung into action, vowing to fiercely protect democracy by ensuring all future election software bugs are completely untraceable.
“We take election integrity very seriously,” New Jersey Democrat Governor Mikie Sherrill stated during a fiery press conference. “That’s why we’re investing millions into state-of-the-art systems to ensure all future election software bugs are completely untraceable. If no one can detect voter fraud, then voter fraud effectively ceases to exist. That’s just science.”
Sherrill assured voters that her administration is already soliciting bids from top-tier, dark-web cybersecurity firms who specialize in plausible deniability.
“Let me be clear,” Sherrill continued. “Under my watch, we will implement rigorous new safeguards to guarantee that the next time our automated systems illegally register thousands of unverified residents, absolutely no one will be able to prove it.”
At press time, congressional Democrats were reportedly drafting the “Save American Democracy Act,” a bill that would make questioning government databases a felony while officially redefining every computer bug as “an attack on our institutions.”
