WASHINGTON — White House officials confirmed that Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (RFK Jr.) has been routinely sleeping upside down by his ankles on the Oval Office ceiling after concluding that the position dramatically improves circulation, clears vascular arterial sludge, and encourages blood to explore the body from a fresh perspective.
The practice, which Kennedy refers to as Ancestral Bat-Phase Vascular Flushing, has quickly become a standard background element of the current administration’s daily operations, even routinely falling asleep above high-level cabinet meetings.
“When you sleep horizontally, your blood spends eight hours taking the exact same route every night,” RFK Jr. explained after lowering himself for a cabinet meeting. “Turn yourself upside down, and suddenly your circulatory system has a chance to think outside the veins.”
Kennedy insists modern medicine has been too quick to dismiss “inverted ancestral sleep,” claiming prehistoric humans routinely slept upside down before the mattress industry rewrote history.
Witnesses described Kennedy sleeping peacefully with his arms folded across his chest like a resting bat, occasionally shifting positions without ever losing his grip on the ceiling.
At press time, Kennedy was reportedly defending his newest wellness initiative after staff discovered him attempting to spend weekends suspended from the Washington Monument, claiming the additional height “gives circulation more momentum.”
