BETHESDA, MARYLAND — Saying he just couldn’t sit on the sidelines while a perfectly good rodent-borne pathogen unfolded, Dr. Fauci emerged from retirement Monday to inform the public that a Hantavirus vaccine is completely achievable, provided the federal government authorizes a series of remarkably painful, barbaric experiments on purebred Beagles.
Dr. Anthony Fauci gave an interview to address the recent uptick in Hantavirus cases but quickly brushed aside concerns from animal rights groups that experimenting on puppies were gratuitous or borderline super-villainous.
“The science is very clear on this,” said Fauci, justifying his position. “To truly understand the Andes virus currently circulating on Atlantic cruise ships, we must simulate the exact conditions of a rodent infestation. Specifically, we need to see what happens when several dozen agitated, Hantavirus-positive rats are introduced into a cage containing a beagle’s face for six to eight hours at a time.
“The Hantavirus won’t respond to the stimulus properly unless I’m there personally to oversee all the dog’s vocal chords being removed. After all, I am the science.”
The 85-year-old physician confirmed he is volunteering his time to personally oversee the beagle experiments, citing a profound itch that gardening and writing his memoirs couldn’t quite scratch.
At press time, Fauci was seen eyeing a stray Golden Retriever in the parking lot and wondering if the dog would have the same soulful, pleading eyes as the beagles.
