KIEV, UKRAINE– In an effort to drum up more money in the fight against Russia, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenksy was spotted going around the city streets of Kiev shaking down random homeless people and pickpocketing any of them who wouldn’t wake up.
“I know you’re holding out on me, deadbeat,” said Zelensky to a 70-year-old homeless woman while reaching into her dirty coat pocket. “How are we going to defeat the Russians if my own people refuse to give me all their money. My five mansions aren’t going to pay for themselves, you old hag.”
Zelensky became enraged after a legless homeless man refused to stand up and salute the president of Ukraine, saying it was a dishonor not to respect a president who dresses up in drag or plays the piano with his penis.
“Maybe sending you to the front lines will teach you some manners,” said Zelensky after lifting up the man’s torso and turning him upside down to see if he had any change. “I’m doing a cameo on the American Oscars tonight and I need a few dollars to get my chest waxed.”
After receiving $1.32 USD in donations from all of Ukraine’s homeless population, Zelensky began going house to house and stealing from children’s piggy banks.
