WASHINGTON– Cheers erupted across Capitol Hill Thursday as Congress triumphantly declared the federal swamp officially drained after codifying a DOGE budget cut that saved American taxpayers an estimated $2.00, an amount lawmakers described as transformational, historic, and honestly more than most Americans deserve.
Standing in front of a printed banner reading MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, both Democrat and Republican Congress members congratulated themselves for what they called the most aggressive anti-waste action in modern history. House Speaker Mike Johnson banged his gavel before announcing the victory to the American people.
“They said it couldn’t be done,” Johnson said, wiping a nonexistent tear from his eye. “They said Washington was broken. But today, with a unified Republican majority, we have looked the beast of government waste in the eye and trimmed a piece of its fingernail. I’d like to thank Elon Musk’s DOGE team who did incredible work uncovering this massive $2 fraud. The swamp is now drained. You’re welcome, America.”
The DOGE spending cut that was defunded turned out to be a 1998 subscription to Beanie Baby Monthly that was being auto-renewed by a defunct office in the Department of Agriculture.
Johnson explained that the $2 in savings will go directly to the American people, with all 343 million Americans receiving approximately $0.00000000583 each, or about 5.83 billionths of a dollar.
