WASHINGTON– In a bizarre attempt to reclaim Bagram Air Base from the Taliban, President Donald Trump has dispatched a highly-trained goat named “Lola” as ambassador to Afghanistan in an effort to seduce the Taliban into handing back the strategically vital military base. Ambassador Lola arrived in Kabul via military cargo plane late last night decked out in full makeup and a sequined hijab.
The move follows weeks of failed negotiations, with the Taliban refusing to return the strategic air base. Trump told the press, “We’ve tried threats, drones, and deals, so I figured it’s time to give the Taliban something they can’t resist. According to our research, our goat Ambassador Lola will be seen as a supermodel in Afghanistan.” Ambassador Lola underwent extensive grooming, including false eyelashes, lip gloss, and a push-up bra fashioned from a repurposed burqa.
Taliban officials were immediately captivated by Ambassador Lola’s beauty, with one commander saying, “The beard of this Yankee she-goat is breathtaking. Her eyes are like black olives dipped in midnight oil. Her soft lips are rouged like pomegranates in heat.”
Democrats condemned the president’s strategy as both Islamophobic and sexist, with Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren calling for Trump to be impeached for “pimping out livestock” and “turning foreign policy into a bad romantic comedy.”
After Lola the goat performed a few sultry head butts and salacious bleat and wink maneuvers, Taliban officials were already calling the United States to sign over Bagram Air Base as long as Lola would remain in Afghanistan.
