ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN– In a historic parliamentary session that unanimously passed with thunderous applause, the Pakistani Parliament has voted unanimously to annex the United Kingdom, declaring it the country’s newest province. The historic decision comes after decades of “unofficial colonization” by Pakistani immigrants, who now comprise nearly 40% of the UK’s population and hold key positions in government, media, and the National Health Service.
Islamic Republic of Pakistan Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif, flanked by his advisors and a plate of steaming haleem, announced the move via live broadcast from Buckingham Palace, which has been renamed “Lahore House.” “The people of the UK have spoken through their ballots and their birth rates,” Sharif declared. “It’s time to formalize what’s been happening for years-Pakistan Zindabad!”
Under the new arrangement, the British monarchy will be replaced by a Council of Islamic Scholars, who will oversee the implementation of Sharia law across the province. The Union Jack will be retired in favor of the Pakistani flag, and the national dish will officially shift from fish & chips to chicken tikka masala.
London Mayor Sadiq Khan, who has been appointed Governor of the new province, welcomed the move. “This is a dream come true,” he said, adjusting his prayer cap. “No more pretending to be British-we can finally be ourselves and make the UK the Islamic hub of Europe.”
The annexation has been met with widespread celebration in Pakistan, where fireworks lit up the skies and men on the streets kissed their goats in jubilation. In the UK, reactions were more muted, with some Britons expressing surprise and others shrugging. “Well, at least the food’s better now,” said Labour Party member David Lammy, who has reportedly applied for Pakistani citizenship.
The move is seen as a major coup for Pakistan, which gains control of the UK’s nuclear arsenal, its seat on the UN Security Council, and an endless supply of young British girls to groom. In return, Pakistan has promised to provide the UK with an endless supply of Pakistani immigrants, rapes, and violent stabbings.
As for King Charles, he was finally able to come out of the proverbial closet and publicly announce his Muslim faith. When asked for comment, he replied, “هذا نص الشهادتين، وهما ركن أساسي من أركان الإسلام.”
