WASHINGTON – Local resident and self-proclaimed “progressive liberal” Karen Jenkins, 32, expressed her deep frustration yesterday after realizing she had gone a full month without being mugged, assaulted, or even catcalled in the nation’s capital. The sudden absence of crime, she claims, is a direct result of President Donald Trump’s controversial decision to deploy the National Guard to “clean up” D.C. streets.
“I don’t understand why I haven’t been attacked once,” Jenkins fumed in an interview, adjusting her “I’m With Her” t-shirt. “I’ve been walking alone at night in the worst neighborhoods, I flash my iPhone in front of people, and nothing. No knife-wielding thugs, no groping, not even a single aggressive panhandler. It’s like the city is daring me to be a victim.”
Jenkins, who has been an outspoken critic of Trump since his inauguration, admitted that her outrage stems not from concern for public safety, but from ideological purity and a deep-seated hatred for the President. “The point is, Trump said he’d make D.C. safe, and now he has. But that means I have to admit he did something right, and I refuse to give that orange fascist the satisfaction.”
When asked if she had considered moving to a higher-crime area to fulfill her political narrative, Jenkins scoffed. “Baltimore? Please. Those cops are just as bad. I need a place where I can be a real victim of systemic oppression, not just some random mugging.”
In response to Jenkins’ plight, local Democrats have proposed legislation to reintroduce “diversity of crime” into the city, citing the need for “equitable victimhood opportunities.” Meanwhile, Trump tweeted, “SAD! Fake victimhood is the new liberal hobby. #MAGA”
