WASHINGTON — As global tensions continue to rise over the escalating conflict with Iran, President Donald Trump announced the launch of a new product line of limited-edition, gold-plated nuclear fallout masks, which he described as the most beautiful safety equipment ever created, maybe in history.
The patriotic masks, retailing at a very reasonable $1776, are marketed as both a life-saving necessity and a luxury fashion statement for what Trump called a potentially very radioactive future.
“Look, nobody wants nuclear fallout,” Trump said during a White House press event to showcase the new line of nuclear fallout masks. “But if it happens—and I’m not saying it will, but people are talking—you’re going to want the best. And these are the best. Gold-plated, tremendous filters, incredible shine. If you’re going to get nuked you at least want to look successful while your skin is melting.”
Liberals, such as commentator Joy Reid, called the president “disgusting” and condemned the masks as profiteering off the apocalypse, with Trump responding on Truth Social by calling Joy Reid “a very low-IQ hater” and claiming that “she’ll be begging for one when the fallout hits her house.”
At press time, experts confirmed the masks would likely provide several minutes of peace of mind before the user’s flesh begins separating from their bones.
