WASHINGTON– As war in the Middle East continues to escalate and threats of nuclear World War 3 increase, Congress members who have been calling for bombing countries have assured worried Americans that all those warmongering Washington politicians will be completely safe and unharmed inside of fallout shelters once the worldwide attacks start happening.
Senators Lindsey Graham and Chuck Schumer gave news reporters a tour of the bomb shelter they’ll be hiding in once nuclear war starts above ground while the rest of the country gets vaporized.
“Welcome to our crib,” joked Republican Sen. Graham as he led camera crew into the highly secure bunker. “Ok, y’all, this is our nuclear bunker. What do y’all think? Look, we just wanted to show everyone where us politicians will be staying after we instigate the world into nuclear war. We just wanted to let Americans know that we’ll be safe inside of here because I’m sure our constituents were worried that their Congress members would get killed.”
While laughing at the thought of humans dying from the wars they helped start, Democrat Chuck Schumer said he felt relief knowing that the millions of Americans above ground would die peacefully with the thought that Congress members would be safe underground sipping on a margheritas waiting until it was safe to come back up to what was left of the country.
After having a quick make-out session, the two senators did their obligatory news interviews to say how giddy they were to get the war started in an effort to test out their cool bunkers.
“Sleepover,” said Graham as he playfully hit Schumer with a pillow.
