WEST POINT, NEW YORK– While giving a speech at a West Point Naval Academy commencement, President Joe Biden told the crowd of uncomfortable graduates that if they reelect him for a second term he will immediately pardon deceased serial killer cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer.
Biden made the controversial announcement only minutes after being told by his aides that Donald Trump had promised a group of cheering Libertarians that he would commute the sentence of American enterpriser Ross Ulbricht.
“If you reelect me as prime minister of India I will pardon famous chef Jeffrey Dahmer on day one,” said Biden proudly as the roomful of people stared in deafening silence. “That’s right, Jack. If Trump’s going to pardon that Diana Ross then I’ll do you one better. Mr. Jeffrey Dahmer has been unfairly treated by the Republican establishment and deserves justice. I spoke to him recently and he promised me he was an innocent man.”
Jeffrey Dahmer died in 1994 and was imprisoned for killing and dismembering countless people, but Biden claims the serial killer was just a misunderstood culinary chef who was the victim of racist, transphobic MAGA Trump supporters.
“The only thing little Jeffrey dreamed about was opening up his own restaurant,” said Biden with tearful eyes. “If I get back in office, me and my fellow Democrats will do everything we can to make sure people like Jeffrey are released back out onto the streets where they belong.”
Biden ended the speech by also promising to pardon talented boy band musician Charles Manson.
