WASHINGTON– A dangerous domestic terrorist pigeon that attacked Joe Biden by pooping on him has been neutralized after FBI agents dressed in full tactical gear raided the bird’s nest and then shot it sixty-nine times.
Agents said they felt threatened when the pigeon ruffled its feathers a little bit and then cooed at them, saying they had no other choice but to put the violent, racist bird down.
“The pigeon was under surveillance for several months due to flying within five miles of the White House,” said Agent Hung Overton while putting the pigeon’s head on a pike as a message to other birds. “The domestic terrorist bird threatened to attack the president by crapping on the roof of the White House several times over the past month as it chirped numerous verbal threats.”
The FBI agent went on to say that the pigeon had eaten lots of dairy, fruits, and vegetables the day before in an effort to get as much poop as possible for the planned attack on the commander-in-chief.
“We also have reason to believe that the bird was working with former President Trump to remove President Biden from office,” said Agent Overton as he readjusted his women’s underwear. “We found multiple white supremacist items inside of the bird nest, including an AR-15, five thousand rounds of ammunition, a red MAGA hat, and a 269 page manifesto that outlined the pigeon’s plans to go after the president with its droppings.”
UPDATE: After this article was written, a representative for the FBI said that new evidence had surfaced showing that the pigeon had actually committed suicide by shooting itself multiple times in the back of the head before throwing its body into a dumpster and then burning all the evidence.
