WASHINGTON– Amid speculation that he is too old, senile, and unfit for office, President Joe Biden reassured his skeptics that he’s just as spry as ever and that he doesn’t feel a day older than 100-years-old.
After waking up from his 10 am nap and having his diaper changed, 81-year-old Biden took twenty-two minutes to walk ten feet over toward White House news reporters to inform them that he’s got plenty of life left in him and that he’s ready to challenge the Republican nominee, whether it’s Abraham Lincoln, Richard Nixon, or even the great Ronald Reagan.
“Listen here, Jack, I’m just as energetic as I was when I was a young 80-year-old,” said Biden as he drooled onto his crusty lapel. “All the rumors that I’m too old and have lost my mind are just more MAGA nonsense. I don’t feel a day over one hundred.”
Biden further proved his youth and virility by going a whole five minutes without crapping his pants, falling asleep, or having his body double fill in for him before making love to his wife Jill.
The energetic president then challenged Fox News reporter Peter Doocy to a pushup competition before calling a lid on questions about Biden’s health and going on a very brief three month vacation.
