OTTAWA, CANADA– Due to the massive spike of knife crimes in Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has immediately taken an ingenious proactive approach by banning all baseball bats inside the country and has even censored baseball games as not to give anyone the urge to use knives as deadly weapons.
During an urgent press conference Thursday, Trudeau wore his best makeup to let everyone know that he takes his countrywide ban of baseball bats to deter knife crimes very seriously.
“Good morning, Canada, this is an urgent message from your favorite prime minster, eh,” said Trudeau sheepishly after receiving his daily shot of estrogen. “As your fearless leader, I have decided to tackle the disturbing increase in knife homicides by signing an official order banning all baseball bats from our great country, eh.”
Confused news reporters began mumbling amongst each other and scratching their heads at the announcement of Trudeau’s bat ban, but were quickly reassured by the prime minister that it all makes perfectly logical sense once a person stops to think about it.
“Would a man wearing this much mascara make a mistake about something as serious as murder?” Trudeau asked as his eyebrow slid down his face. “This ban on bats makes just as much sense as when I banned handguns recently to help reduce car accidents. One day Canadians will look back and see just how effective I was at changing Canada, eh.”
Trudeau ended the press conference by saying he also has plans to ban all apples inside Canada to help curb the country’s rising sexual assaults from all the migrants he’s brought in to replace the Canadian citizens who have died from the COVID vaccine.
