OTTAWA, CANADA– In a major push to combat Canada’s drastic climate change problem, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has officially made it illegal for anyone in Canada to fart as a way to help alleviate the massive amount of carbon dioxide being released into the atmosphere.
While giving a press conference from the steps of Ottawa’s Parliament Building, Trudeau told the crowd of news reporters and citizens that starting immediately it will be illegal to fart and anyone caught passing wind will face severe consequences, including fines and prison time.
“It’s aboot time we take this climate change crisis seriously, eh,” said Trudeau as he hypocritically released a silent fart. “I have created a new Fart Task Force to police our neighborhoods to make sure no Canadian citizens are emitting methane from their buttocks.”
According to Trudeau’s statistics, the farts of Canadians put more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere than all the pollution in the entire world combined. The prime minister also blames disgusting farters for causing all the wildfires in Canada.
“Anyone caught farting will have their bank accounts frozen immediately for the good of Canada, eh,” said Trudeau while smog from China and India covered the skies of Canada. “We all must do our part for a greener earth, even if that means constant intestinal pain and waiting months to see a doctor thanks to our wonderful socialized medicine.”
In order to assist Canadians in holding in their farts, Trudeau has allocated 900 trillion taxpayer dollars for citizens to transition to the opposite gender. The prime minister claims that transgenders on average emit far less noxious pollutants into the atmosphere than their nasty heterosexual counterparts.
To protest Trudeau’s draconian no-fart ruling, thousands of Canadians are planning a chili bean cookout in front of Trudeau’s home where they will flatulate day and night until he gives into their demands after getting nauseated from the smell.
