PHOENIX, ARIZONA– With the upcoming November elections, many political pundits are predicting a very high amount of Republicans going to the polls. “But that’s simply not true,” refutes a mortician out of Arizona, who claims Democrats will outnumber Republicans 10 to 1, due to the massive amount of people who died this past year due to the totally safe vaccine.
Undertaker Chris Coffin has predicted that this year’s elections will all be won by Democrats because of so many recent dead people who will now be voting blue.
“I’ve personally embalmed more than 5,000 new Democrat voters this month alone,” said Coffin after gargling with formaldehyde. “Those so-called political experts are wrong saying that Republicans will sweep the upcoming elections. They’re obviously not taking into consideration all the people who vote Democrat once they pass away.”
Coffin claims his business started booming after the totally safe and effective COVID vaccine was rolled out and, due to so many deaths from the shots, he’s even renamed his funeral home the Deaths From COVID Gene Therapy Funeral Home For The Gullible.
He has also predicted that President Joe Biden will crush his 2024 Republican opponent in the next presidential election by a whopping 900 million votes, now that the Democrat party will be considering all the new dead bodies, illegal aliens, and Canadian citizens as Democrat voters.
“All my political predictions are unbiased as I have no loyalty to either the Democrats or Republicans,” said Coffin. “I can’t take any responsibility for the current state of America being that I voted for my man Kanye West in the last presidential election. If all the rumors are true, then hopefully I’ll be throwing my full support behind the brilliant Cardi B in 2024. I think she’s got a way with words that resonates with us voters.”
