WASHINGTON– The US Department of Justice has officially dropped all charges against Donald Trump and will no longer be investigating him after the president informed them that he now identifies as a Democrat in what some are calling the ultimate game of 4D chess.
Attorney General Merrick Garland was quick to apologize to Trump and told him now that he’s a Democrat the DOJ will look the other way and, not only refuse to investigate any future crimes, but will also help cover them up.
“We made a huge error trying to hold a Democrat politician responsible for any crimes,” said Garland with tears in his eyes at the thought of putting a Democrat in prison. “Now that Mr. Trump identifies as a Democrat we can no longer in good faith try to frame him for any crimes. At least we’ll save a lot of time now in trying to come up with all these hoaxes.”
Numerous former anti-Trumpers on Twitter went through a brief moment of cognitive dissonance before quickly changing their profiles to include the pro-Trump hashtags #Trump2024 and #TrumpIsInnocent.
After hearing that Trump now identifies as a Democrat, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that she always knew Trump was innocent and added that she always found him quite attractive.
“I hereby declare that Mr. Trump is innocent of all charges,” said Pelosi after vomiting into her mouth. “And if Mr. Trump isn’t busy later then maybe he could stop by my personal chambers so I can get to know the new Trump a little better. Tee-hee.”
