NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK — The Department of Education recently announced that new history textbooks are being rolled out within the next two years due to all the recent findings that emphatically disprove the lies of America’s past, including the fact that America wasn’t discovered by Christopher Columbus in 1492, but rather by the Reverend Al Sharpton in 1986.
To properly address all the historical inaccuracies, professors from the University of Social Media Studies began researching America’s true history in an effort to properly reflect the current systemic problems affecting the country’s racist past.
The professors claim that Sharpton the voyager was on his way to take part in a protest against local NYPD officers using his favorite doughnut shop as a hangout when he suddenly discovered the United States of America.
After finally receiving credit for his monumental discovery, Sharpton gave a press conference in front of the City Hall building where a statue of the Reverend was being erected in place of the Columbus statue that had been removed safely with explosives by Antifa protesters.
“The chickens have come home to roost,” Sharpton said as he pocketed the $100,000 speaking engagement fee. “It may have taken 34 painstaking years to give an altruistic black man like me the credit that someone else stole, but I’m finally being recognized for my indispensable contribution to the world.”
In addition to the evidence that Sharpton found America, the professors also revealed that other famous black people will be receiving credit in history books for important events from America’s past, such as Clubber Lang inventing electricity, Lando Calrissian drafting the Declaration of Independence, and Chef from South Park being the first man to walk on the moon.
