WASHINGTON– In an effort to combat the exorbitant cost of food, President Joe Biden announced his plan to help Americans save money at the supermarket by urging everyone to just stop eating and save the extra money to pay necessary taxes to the government.
While eating three ice cream cones in front of a group of starving homeless veterans, Biden informed the hungry and poor Americans that if they just stop consuming food then they’ll be able to overcome the rising grocery prices that he helped cause in the first place.
“Man, this ice cream is so delicious,” said Biden as he licked the frozen treat and then threw the rest on the ground for seagulls. “What are you people complaining about food prices for, Jack? As your legitimate president, I came up with a plan to fix inflation by asking everyone to just stop eating. Well, everyone but me and my fellow elite pizza lovers.”
Biden’s message of hope was praised by the mainstream media and also by his fellow Democrats, including former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi who gave news media another tour of the expensive ice cream inside of her $5000 refrigerator.
“Us politicians sure do love our ice cream,” said Pelosi, using her dried out tongue and dentures to nibble on a $50 pint of ice cream. “To help indigent citizens in my district, I recently cut back on my food spending and I now only throw away about five hundred dollars worth of food in the trash instead of the usual nine hundred. Every little bit helps.”
The president’s Stop Eating plan has received bipartisan support in Congress, with both Democrats and most Republicans coming together to pass a bill making it illegal for average citizens to buy food or eat.
“There’s also a clause in the bill which will also make it illegal to grow your own food too,” said Pelosi. “Seeds and gardening supplies cost money, so banning that too will also help Americans save their money. Any extra money saved will be taxed by the government and then sent to Ukraine to show Putin’s who’s boss.”
