BURBANK, CALIFORNIA– After pint-sized actor Peter Dinklage accused the children’s classic Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs of dwarfophobia, the progressive Disney company immediately put out an apology statement saying that they will be replacing the little, white, racist dwarfs with Los Angeles Lakers basketball players.
“We apologize for reinforcing the stereotype that dwarfs are small people,” wrote Disney in the statement. “To avoid further insulting the Celebrity Dwarfs Who Complain About Everything community, we will be firing all the middleclass, little people we hired for the movie and replacing them with seven, tall, black, basketball playing millionaires from the LA Lakers team.”
The Walt Disney Company went on to say that they plan on remaking every classic movie from their archives and making them more inclusive by replacing all the heterosexual male characters with a more diverse group of actors and actresses.
As part of their push to be more stunning and brave, Disney will be replacing the big-nosed, Italian Pinocchio with a pansexual, nonbinary Jewish woman. Lovable elephant Dumbo will be recast as a paraplegic, trans-species, part ostrich, part human character. And Cinderella will be modernized into an Egyptian, intersex, deerkin, Pokémon character.
According to the statement, the character of Peter Pan will not change and will still remain as a homosexual, chorus-singing pedophile.
Disney ended their statement saying that if the new progressive Snow White movie flops at the box office then they will simply retitle the movie and sell it as an X-rated interracial gangbang flick.
