PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA- The healing powers of the magical COVID vaccine were proven once again as two Democrat politicians were carjacked this week by gunpoint in two separate occasions, with both government officials claiming that their crimes would have been so much worse had they not been vaccinated.
Representative Mary Gay Scanlon of Pennsylvania and Senator Kimberly Lightford of Illinois both retold the tragic events of their car robberies and thanked the miraculous COVID vaccine for saving their lives.
“Thanks to the lifesaving ingredients in the COVID vaccine I’m here to tell the story of my horrible carjacking experience,” said Rep. Scanlon to reporters as Pfizer salesmen stuffed some money inside her coat pocket. “My message to the American people is to go out and immediately get the godlike vaccine so you too can protect yourselves from the contagious dangers of violent crimes that us Democrats have promoted.”
Senator Lightford took it a step further and claimed that the superhero vaccine swooped down from the sky like Superman and carried her and her husband to safety while the Democrat defunded Chicago police took their time getting to the scene of the crime.
“I’d like to thank my beloved nine vaccination shots for coming to my rescue,” said Sen. Lightford while court jester Stephen Colbert danced around wearing a vaccine costume. “Where were the Chicago police while I was getting robbed by those racist, white supremacist Chicago thugs wearing blackface?”
Due to the defunded police units not responding to the leftwing politicians calls for help, Democrats vowed to defund the police even further and will be replacing any remaining officers with armed COVID gene therapy shots.
