HOUSTON, TEXAS– Once news of a plumber finding thousands of dollars in church donations hidden inside his bathroom wall went public, Joel Osteen was quick to come up with an answer to his defense, saying that Satan himself broke into his house and hid all that money within his home to set him up.
The Christian megachurch preacher Osteen gave an emergency Friday morning church service to inform his congregation that he had a vision and saw the red, horned devil stashing almost a million dollars worth of cash and checks addressed to his Lakewood Church within the walls of his $100 million home.
“Brothers and sisters, Satan has infiltrated the church in an effort to make me look like a money-hungry man who uses God as a way to get rich,” said Osteen as his deacons took donations from the congregation. “God showed me in a vision how Satan snuck into my home through an opened window and then proceeded to dump loads of cash into my bathroom wall before leaving.”
According to Osteen’s vision, Satan spent many hours writing out all those checks addressed to the Lakewood Church and even took the time to seal every envelope and write random donor’s names on them to make it look official.
“Never underestimate how smart and crafty the devil is,” added Osteen after signaling for his musclebound ushers to find and permanently take care of the meddling plumber who reported the incident. “Trust me, friends, it’s just a coincidence that the amount of cash found inside my wall is the exact same amount I reported missing a while back.”
To better assist grieving church members going through Osteen’s bad publicity, Lakewood Church has set up an emergency spiritual hotline where people can call in and hear a non-Biblical motivational message from the preacher for only $69.95 a minute
