NORTH POLE– Santa Claus recently announced on his official Twitter account that he will be injecting sleeping children with the COVID vaccine this Christmas after taking in large donations from various pharmaceutical companies, making Kris Kringle the latest celebrity to sell his soul to Big Pharma for mountains of cash.
Many people are questioning Santa’s motives and his complete reversal of opinion, being that last holiday he was firmly against the shots after he made headlines for getting banned from New York for refusing then Governor Andrew Cuomo’s vaccine mandate.
“Only good children who take the vaccine will get gifts from Santa this year,” he wrote in the tweet, followed by a syringe emoji. “Any little boy or girl who refuses to take the totally safe and effective vaccine will be put on Santa’s naughty list.”
Santa went on to say that he knows which children have been bad for refusing the vaccine and he promises to slide down their chimney and then forcefully jab their arms with the COVID serum while they’re nestled all snug in their beds, with visions of sugar-plums and a future Donald Trump presidency dancing in their heads.
“Ho, ho, ho, and don’t think you’ll be able to run away from me just because I’m fat,” Santa added threateningly. “I plan on having my armed elves surround all the exits to your homes right after I tie up your mommy and daddy so they can’t resist. And now I have the backing of the FDA too. Ho, ho, ho.”
Both the CDC and the FDA have praised Santa’s efforts at getting all children vaccinated, even those who are still inside of the mother’s womb.
