WASHINGTON– In what is being considered nothing less than a miracle, Joe Biden has cured his future replacement Kamala Harris’s head lice by grabbing her shoulders from behind and then sniffing her hair for over ten minutes straight.
Numerous staffers were in attendance to witness the miracle and document the event for posterity, proving to the world that Biden has superhuman powers and that he may in fact be even more divine than former President Barack Obama.
“I actually felt like I was in the presence of God herself,” said one of Biden’s blue-haired aides who fainted after witnessing the otherworldly incident. “President Biden’s nose has magical powers that can’t be summed up into words. I pray that one day he will grace the back of my unworthy head with his therapeutic nose and sniff me the way he sniffs so many other lucky women.”
Harris, the soon-to-be first female president of color once Biden’s finished destroying the country, told reporters that she had always avoided Biden’s senior citizen snout because she didn’t believe she was worthy of having the most popular president of all time run his hairy nose up and down her head while he fondled her inappropriately.
“This scalp itch I’ve had for most of my life is totally gone now,” Harris said with a cackle. “If I would’ve known Joe’s nose was this invigorating I would’ve let Joe be my mentor to teach me the ins and outs of politics instead of Willie Brown.”
