WASHINGTON– Former Vice President Joe Biden ended his presidential candidacy on Monday, claiming that the only way he can defeat Donald Trump and win the White House is by endorsing Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.
In a virtual town hall speech, Mr. Biden spoke eloquently while off-screen, informing everyone that his decision to drop out of the race and endorse Bernie came after conferring with his campaign manager Corn Pop on the best way to defeat the Bubonic Plague that is currently ravaging the United States.
“I cannot in good conscience shave the hair off my legs while fighting fat people,” Biden said coherently as his videographer Woody Woodpecker adjusted the angle of his webcam to zoom in on Joe’s liver spots. “While Joe Biden’s campaign is coming to an end, Joe Biden’s campaign is not.”
“Unlike Mr. Sanders,” Mr. Biden added, sniffing Woody’s beak, “the other Joe Biden is the best candidate to drop out of the race and endorse Bernie Sanders so that this Joe Biden can win the United States Senate.”
During the coronavirus pandemic when everyone thought Joe Biden was hiding, campaign staff said the former vice president was actually strategizing with his manager Corn Pop about how the best way to defeat Bernie Sanders is to drop out and endorse him.
“I choose truth over facts,” Biden said proudly as he showed CNN reporters his Not Me, Bernie poster. “And the truth is, I have about a 50 percent chance of losing the election, and a 50 percent chance of not winning the election.”
