Mike Bloomberg Runs Ads On Stage In His Place After Taking Beating At Last Democratic Debate

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA– Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg gave a memorable performance on the South Carolina Democratic debate stage using campaign advertisements, making up for his lackluster appearance at the Nevada beating he took earlier this week.

The billionaire’s ingenious technique of not actually showing up to the debates and instead playing hundreds of campaign advertisements in his place is being heralded as the future of political debating.

Bloomberg was in top form this evening as he was quick to retort to every jab hurled at him by the five Democrat rivals that were standing beside him, playing one campaign ad after another in quick precision.

This debate marks the 500th of the presidential primary cycle, with only 900 more debates to go before Super Tuesday on March 3, when most disenchanted voters will just stay home and let the DNC decide who the next establishment candidate will be as usual.

Every Democrat on stage zeroed in on Bloomberg’s record on race and sexual orientation, with Sen. Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts hammering Mini Mike on his alleged instances of the times that he never sexually harassment her.

“How do you account for all the times that you never came on to me?” Warren screamed angrily at the television on the podium as one of Bloomberg’s ads began playing. “Are you saying I’m no better than a fat broad or horse-faced lesbian?”

“Big Gay Ice Cream is the best,” Bloomberg’s television ad fired back at Warren, prompting gasps from the impressed audience.

Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont also went after TV advertisement-version of Bloomberg, saying Mike’s Hop-and-Brisk policing policy “went after rabbits and hares in an outrageous way. That is not a way you are going to raise bunnies.”

Bloomberg responded to Sanders using another quick-witted advertisement, which showed a gingerbread man dancing on President Donald Trump’s shoulder.

“Lie, lie, lie, lie,” advertisement-Bloomberg said over and over again as Joe Biden left early to take a nap.