MONTREAL, CANADA– In an effort to win the war on dangerous plastics and ultimately save the environment, part-time Canadian Prime Minister and full-time speech therapist Justin Trudeau has vowed to make all plastic objects out of the much safer lead.
After joining a growing global movement to ban single-use plastics, Trudeau gave a fiery speech on the lawn of the Canada Goose Droppings Park about his future plans on turning all dangerous everyday plastic items, such as straws, cups, toothbrushes, and combs, into the much safer and environmentally-friendly lead in his new campaign titled “Be A Lead Head, Eh.”
“People are tired of seeing their parks and beaches covered in plastics, eh,” he said with furrowed eyebrows as he reapplied his lip balm encased in lead. “According to statistics, eh, more and more of our glorious Canada geese head south to the United States to escape all these disgusting plastic straws, Styrofoam, and cups littering their necessary defecation grounds.”
The Canadian Plastics Committee says that 90 percent of plastics end up on goose grounds, while only a measly 1 percent of lead makes it onto sacred goose territory. Trudeau says that banning all plastics will increase the much-needed goose population.
“Don’t do it for our children,” Trudeau begged the large crowd of confused geese, “do it for your fellow geese.”
Trudeau went on to say that he worked out a deal with President Rodrigo Duterte of the Philippines to trade all the garbage aboard the Bavaria ship for all of Canada’s brand new dangerous plastics, including all household items, beauty and dental supplies, expensive electronics, and so forth.
Mr. Trudeau noted that this was the deal of the century and that trading Canada’s plastic for garbage will not only help the environment, but will show U.S. President Donald Trump that he’s not the only leader who can make huge deals.
Trudeau’s announcement comes as he’s gearing up for a new election and promises that if elected, every household in the country will be using lead-based products by the year 2021. Experts predict his new slogan “Be A Lead Head, Eh!” will be even bigger than Trump’s “Make America Great Again.”
