BIGOTE, NEW YORK– A police chief in Bigote has recently implemented an obscure new rule where every police officer on the force must don a mustache or face severe penalties, including up to termination.
The new hairy rule took effect last week and news of the fuzzy order has been making headlines across the country.
Chief Eugene Tackleberry, 56, is the man responsible for the stubbly statute and informs everyone that this new woolly requirement is no laughing matter.
“Mustaches exude power,” said Chief Tackleberry as he showed off his own handlebar mustache. “When you have a mustache, women know that you’re a man, teenagers know that you’re an authority figure, and criminals know that you can kick their ass.”
Adding to the already confusing details of the downy decree is the fact that not only male officers are required to have a hairy upper lip. The chief says that every police officer who is currently on the force must have a mustache, which includes the eight female officers, ten police dogs, and twelve police horses.
According to statistics that compared both clean-shaven and mustached officers, cities with police departments that had more officers with mustaches had lower crime rates, regardless of mustache style or type.
A whopping 82% of officers in the Bigote police department actually support the new hirsute legislation, while the other 18% say that they would prefer muttonchops. Also surprisingly, seven out of the eight female officers stated that they support the new mustache law because they will no longer have to spend time and money getting their upper lips waxed.
The Police Commission praised the chief’s tough stance on crime by implementing the bewhiskered enactment, saying that not since the 1980’s have police officers been as feared, admired, and respected as they are now that everyone is sporting a mustache.
The chief is giving all officers one month to grow a full mustache. Anyone who is a slow grower is advised to seek out either hair growth products, steroids, or other drugs to expedite the process.
