FERNWOOD, UTAH– Last Halloween, a group of pumpkins terrorized children and parents as they walked the streets in search of treats and police around the country are issuing warnings to everyone to use extra precaution this year.
No one knows for sure what drove the typically docile pumpkins to start attacking people, but experts cite an unhappiness with the way the government clumps pumpkins in with gourds and melons.
According to FBI statistics, pumpkin crime has been increasing every year, with property damage topping the list, followed by knife wounds, indigestion, and sexual assault from rough stems.
On Friday, Fernwood police chief Jack Ichabod told future trick-or-treaters to be extra vigilant when passing pumpkin patches or any high pumpkin areas because that is where the majority of last year’s crimes took place. He also stated that people should refrain from wearing pumpkin costumes or eating pumpkin pies in an effort to not offend the pumpkins further.
“Safest thing to do would be to not wear any costumes,” Chief Ichabod told reporters, eating a donut that he claimed was not made out of pumpkin. “That way, perhaps we can trick these pumpkins into believing that it’s not even Halloween. I made a phone call to President Trump asking him to move Halloween to November 8th. It’s not like anyone’s gonna be voting anyway.”
Many of last year’s calls to police were to report pumpkin pies being left on people’s doorsteps and lit on fire.
“It’s truly disturbing,” Chief Ichabod added as he brushed orange crumbs off his tie. “That’s like me placing a human pie on a pumpkin’s front steps and then lighting it on fire. Just goes to show just how serious these crimes really are.”
If confronted by a pumpkin this Halloween, police recommend dropping down to the ground and playing dead, as long as there are no opossums in the area.
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