WASHINGTON– The United States Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) just released a statement saying that breathing is bad for the environment and that a breathing curfew is set to start every day at 10 p.m. and end at 6 a.m.
According to the statement, carbon dioxide that is breathed out of humans is the primary greenhouse gas emitted from human activities and is the number one factor in the destruction of the environment.
“Breathing is the worst activity for our environment,” said Ollie Nester, EPA spokesman. “Even though CO2 emissions come from a variety of sources, human breathing accounts for 80.9% of greenhouse gas emissions. Something had to be done about this tragedy before it was too late.”
The carbon-cycle is being altered even further, says Nester, whenever humans are engaged in more strenuous activities, such as exercising, sex, working, or watching reality shows.
“A new bill was passed by Congress which will limit the amount humans can breathe,” Nester added, holding his breath between words in an effort to help the environment. “Starting next week, all breathing must be ceased at 10 p.m. Washington is setting up a new task force of officers who will be responsible for policing people’s breathing. Anyone caught breathing between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. will either be fined, arrested, or shot on sight. It’ll be up to the discretion of the arresting officer.”
The EPA has set up a 1-800 hotline for anyone seeking assistance on the best way to hold their breath for eight hours straight.
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