New Sex Cream Helps Chimps Last Longer In Bed

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND– Scientists from Baltimore Animal College confirmed Tuesday that they’ve invented a sex cream called Potent Primate made specifically for chimpanzees, saying that most chimps are embarrassed by their less than stellar bedroom skills and are turning to dangerous methods to try and last longer, such as using banana peels as condoms.

According to research performed by the college, 96% of male chimpanzees last an average of thirty seconds in the sack. Studies also show that 100% of female chimps claim they are unsatisfied by their male lovers and have to go out looking for companionship with strange orangutans, who reportedly last an average of two minutes during sex.

“We’ve already had huge success with our new Potent Primate cream,” said Dr. Jim Baker, head researcher at the Animal College and first primate to test out the cream.

“Basically, the cream works by desensitizing the male chimp’s brain so that he doesn’t realize that he’s having intercourse with another chimp, but rather obese human female actresses named Rosie. Apparently, the mere thought of becoming intimate with a large woman sends integral parts of the chimp’s brain into whatever the opposite of overdrive is, causing him to lose a great deal of interest in sex, thus lasting longer. I know, this’s brilliant.”

It’s not only being quick on the draw that leaves female chimps unsatisfied. Dr. Baker’s research team also came up with five other reasons why female chimps are left empty by their male lovers.

“To be fair it’s not all the male chimp’s fault,” he added as though he were referring to his own sexual prowess. “There’s other reasons why females are unsatisfied, such as poor communication, sexual boredom, busy schedules, frustration, and female chimps not feeling sexy anymore. It doesn’t help matters that many male chimps tend to degrade their partners and tell them that their buttocks are too fat or that her new hair dye doesn’t match her hairy face.”

When asked if Potent Primate is suitable for other primates like gorillas or monkeys, Dr. Baker was hesitant. 

“This’s an ongoing process,” he said with a smile. “You must realize the sensitive nature of these tests. Getting a 400 pound, excited gorilla in the same cage as one of our young, female lab assistants is a recipe for disaster.”