Heart Attacks Man In Central Park

NEW YORK, NEW YORK– Police in New York are on the lookout for a Heart that attacked a man in Central Park yesterday, causing a city-wide panic as residents and visitors alike have been staying indoors on their couches to avoid being the next victim of a Heart attack.

According to the ABC news affiliate in New York, 39 year old Brian Ortiz was walking home from work at 8:30 p.m. last night when he was attacked by Heart along a trail inside Central Park. Ortiz claims that he was attacked and nearly sexually assaulted by Heart on the lone bike trail and had to fight off his attacker to escape.

“I don’t usually travel that way home,” said Ortiz, showing ABC News reporters the bruises on his chest and arms. “He came right up in my grill. He was a big fat guy too. As soon as Heart attacked me I hit the ground and grabbed at my chest. It felt like I had a car sitting on top of me. My left arm’s still killing me.”

Unfortunately, experts warn that Heart attacks are a frequent occurrence and sometimes with little warning, with more than a million Americans having Heart attacks each year.

“The Heart requires a constant supply of blood,” warns Dr. Ross Stern, chief psychiatrist at Mount Sinai. “Usually these types of criminals get satisfaction by starving their victims of much-needed oxygen and causing their victims permanent damage.

“I’m currently treating a young female victim who’s had 20 Heart attacks this year alone. For some reason she seems to be prone to Heart attacks. She works as a stripper and usually walks home wearing a bikini while smoking a cigarette after drinking alcohol and doing three lines of cocaine. It’s a mystery as there’s absolutely no obvious signs or symptoms of why it happens.”

The New York Police department is asking for the public’s assistance in apprehending the Heart attacker. Above is a composite sketch as described by the latest victim.

“It happened so fast,” Ortiz added, showing reporters where Heart was pressuring and squeezing his chest and arms. “He came up from behind me speaking what sounded like Arabic. I knew right then I was gonna have to fight for my life, ya know, with all the attacks lately by Hearts speaking Arabic.”

A neighbor’s home surveillance camera captured the attacker. That video has been turned over to investigators and police are hoping to make a quick arrest.