Senate Leader John Thune Refuses To Bring SAVE Act To Floor, Citing Grave Danger Of Accidentally Winning Midterms
WASHINGTON—After returning from another three week vacation, Senate Majority Leader John Thune confirmed during a press conference that he will not bring the popular SAVE Act to the Senate floor,…
Dogs And Cats Across Country Terrified After Congress Votes To Keep Haitian Immigrants On TPS
U.S. — A wave of unprecedented anxiety is sweeping through the nation as millions of dogs and cats across the United States are reportedly living in a state of constant…
Supreme Court Leak Investigation Stalls After Ketanji Brown Jackson Admits ‘I’m Not A Plumber’
WASHINGTON — Following yet another unprecedented, behind-the-scenes disclosure of the Supreme Court’s internal deliberations to left-leaning news outlets, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson declined to comment on the ongoing security breaches…
In New Book, Franklin The Turtle Doesn’t Recognize Canada Anymore
TORONTO, CANADA — In a startling shift from the gentle woodland life that defined his early years, a new book on beloved children’s character Franklin the Turtle has been released…
Ilhan Omar Blames Net-Worth Error On Hiring Accountant Who Got His Math Degree From The Quality Learing Center
WASHINGTON — Following a sudden and staggering downward revision of her net worth from a maximum of $30 million to just under $95,000, Rep. Ilhan Omar attributed the massive $29.9…
Shirtless RFK Jr. Demonstrates HHS Qualifications By Slamming Congressman Through Table
WASHINGTON — While getting fiercely grilled by Democrat Congressmembers during his first oversight hearing, Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr. responded to concerns about his qualifications by removing his…
Mayor Mamdani Taps Biden As Advisor For City-Run Grocery Store Due To His Experience With Empty Shelves
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK—Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced that he has hired former President Joe Biden as senior advisor for New York City’s first government-owned socialist grocery store, citing Biden’s…
Last Day For Americans To File Taxes And Claim Ukraine, Somalis, Israel And Illegal Aliens As Dependents
U.S. — With the April 15 tax deadline looming, millions of Americans spent the final hours of Tax Day frantically filling out their tax returns and claiming Ukraine, Somalis, Israel,…
Keir Starmer Demands Investigation Into Prime Minister’s Handling Of UK
LONDON, UK — Prime Minister Keir Starmer has called for an urgent independent investigation into the Prime Minister’s handling of the United Kingdom, citing a growing list of avoidable difficulties…
Trump Signs Executive Order Mandating All Doctors Wear White Robes And Red Sashes
WASHINGTON—Citing a desperate need for clarity in the medical field, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Tuesday mandating that every physician in the United States immediately abandon lab coats,…
Unemployed Eric Swalwell Worried Wife’s Presence Might Make Midday Hooker Orgies Awkward
DUBLIN, CALIFORNIA — Following his abrupt resignation from Congress and disgraced exit from the California gubernatorial race over a myriad of sexual misconduct allegations, unemployed former Congressman Eric Swalwell told…
Democrats Release Most Damning Eric Swalwell Video Yet Of Him Leaving Shopping Cart In Parking Lot
WASHINGTON — Calling it the most disturbing evidence to date of a pattern the American people can no longer ignore, senior Democratic officials confirmed they have released a new video…
