Tensions Rise On Ben Shapiro’s Forehead As Right Eyebrow Annexes Left Eyebrow Territory
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA — Insisting that the historic expansion was both necessary for its long-term security and deeply rooted in ancestral biology, conservative commentator Ben Shapiro’s right eyebrow launched a…
Keir Starmer Warns Nation That People Waving British Flags Are A Critical Threat To British Values
LONDON, UK — Prime Minister Keir Starmer issued an emergency national warning Saturday after thousands of attendees at the "Unite The Kingdom" march were seen carrying British flags in what…
Xi Jinping Gives Trump Personal Tour Of Chinese Factory Manufacturing Trump Merchandise
HANGZHOU, CHINA– In a move described as on the nose, President Xi Jinping spent the third day of the 2026 Beijing-Washington Summit giving Donald Trump a VIP tour of the…
King Charles Assures Migrants Digital ID Will Only Be Used Against White British Citizens
LONDON, UK — Seeking to soothe the anxieties of the the millions of undocumented migrants currently arriving on Britain’s shores, King Charles III issued a formal royal proclamation Wednesday, assuring…
Trump-China Summit Postponed After Xi’s Arm Breaks Following One Handshake
BEIJING, CHINA — The highly anticipated summit between U.S. President Donald Trump and Chinese President Xi Jinping was abruptly postponed on Wednesday after Trump's signature "pump-and-pull" greeting resulted in a…
Dr. Fauci Insists Hantavirus Vaccine Requires Conducting Highly Painful Experiments On Beagles
BETHESDA, MARYLAND — Saying he just couldn't sit on the sidelines while a perfectly good rodent-borne pathogen unfolded, Dr. Fauci emerged from retirement Monday to inform the public that a…
Arsonists Of America Endorse Karen Bass For L.A. Mayor
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Citing her inspiringly hands-off approach to combustion, the Arsonists of America (AoA) officially announced their endorsement of Karen Bass for re-election as Mayor of Los Angeles,…
Lockheed Martin Releases Touching Mother’s Day Ad Thanking Moms For ‘Raising Our Future Customer Base’
BETHESDA, MARYLAND — In a bold departure from traditional corporate holiday messaging, global aerospace and defense conglomerate Lockheed Martin debuted a touching Mother's Day campaign this morning, thanking American mothers for…
After Careful Reflection, Keir Starmer Concludes Massive Labour Defeat Caused By Everyone Except Keir Starmer
LONDON, UK — Following a disastrous week of local election results that saw the Labour Party hemorrhage more than 1,300 council seats while losing Wales for the first time in…
Katie Porter Tries To Woo Suburban Moms By Berating Babies
IRVINE, CALIFORNIA — In a desperate bid to humanize her image ahead of the June primary, gubernatorial candidate Katie Porter pivoted from the traditional baby-kissing campaign trail cliché, attempting to win…
Balenciaga Introduces First-Ever Designer Adrenochrome IV Bag For The Busy Celeb On The Go
NEW YORK — Stating that the modern celebrity simply doesn't have the time to maintain a youthful glow through traditional hours-long youth-harvesting rituals, French fashion house Balenciaga has unveiled the…
Local Canada Goose Disgusted Watching Immigrant Poop On Toronto Beach
TORONTO, ONTARIO — Staring in disgusted silence as an immigrant squatted and defecated directly on Toronto’s Cherry Beach, a disgruntled Canada goose named Gary announced his disgust over the growing…
