King Charles Knights Sudanese Belfast Attacker For ‘Services To Cultural Enrichment’
LONDON, UK — In a beautiful and touching display of modern British values, King Charles III held a special ceremony at Buckingham Palace today to knight the Sudanese migrant who…
Democrats Condemn DOJ Attempt To Disenfranchise Thousands Of Imaginary Voters
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — California Democrats expressed outrage this week following a Department of Justice crackdown on election irregularities, fiercely condemning what they called a "blatant act of voter suppression"…
Keir Starmer Condemns Belfast Attacker For Not Using Ethically Sourced Knife To Try To Behead Victim
LONDON, UK — Addressing the nation following a horrific knife attack in Belfast this week, a visibly shaken UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer issued a swift and furious condemnation of…
Aides Remind Lindsey Graham He Can Stop Pretending To Care About South Carolina As Soon As Polls Close
COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA — As South Carolina Republicans headed to the polls Tuesday for the state's 2026 primary election, exhausted campaign aides reportedly had to remind a frantic Senator Lindsey Graham…
Gavin Newsom Welcomes Federal Election Probe Moments After Warehouse Full Of Counted Ballots Spontaneously Combusts
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Following widespread public outcry over a multi-week-long ballot-counting process, California Governor Gavin Newsom announced his administration’s full, enthusiastic cooperation with a newly launched DOJ and FBI audit…
US Troops Deployed To UK To Protect Citizens From Their Own Police Force
SOUTHAMPTON, UK — Citing a rapidly escalating humanitarian crisis, President Donald Trump officially authorized the deployment of the 82nd Airborne Division to the United Kingdom on Friday, tasking the US…
Democrats Halt Midterm Campaign Spending After Realizing RINOs Doing The Work For Them
WASHINGTON — In a stunning cost-saving measure, the Democratic National Committee has announced the immediate suspension of all midterm campaign spending, realizing that establishment Republican "RINOs" are already doing a much…
Karen Bass Secures Runoff Spot After Late-Night Delivery Of 80,000 Registered Labradoodle Ballots
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass officially secured a spot in November's runoff election Wednesday morning after county election workers discovered an additional 80,000 mail-in ballots cast…
Sesame Street Defends Pride Month Episode Where New Trans Muppet Opens Fire On Heteronormative Co-Stars
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Following a wave of intense parent pushback regarding the season premiere of Sesame Street, PBS executives issued a formal statement defending a controversial scene in…
California Warns It Will Take Weeks To Find Enough Ballots For Democrats To Win
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Following the closure of polling places for the state’s high-stakes primary elections, the California Secretary of State’s office issued an urgent press release warning citizens that it…
Fox News Calls Los Angeles Mayor Race For Karen Bass After One Vote Counted
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Stating that the mathematical modeling was simply too conclusive to ignore, the Fox News Decision Desk officially projected Tuesday morning that Democrat Karen Bass will…
White British Man Arrested Posthumously For Insensitivity Toward Immigrant Assailant
LONDON, UK — Praising the swift and decisive action of their officers, the Metropolitan Police announced that they have posthumously arrested a local 46-year-old stabbing victim on charges of "aggravated…
