BRUSSELS — The European Union announced Wednesday that it had solved its crippling immigration crisis by offering Canada the opportunity to become the bloc’s first-ever associate member, allowing millions of migrants who have become difficult for European countries to accommodate to enjoy the many benefits of relocating to Canada instead.
European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen made the historic announcement during her State of the Union address, inviting Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney to establish a new relationship between Canada and the EU that would grant Ottawa exactly zero voting rights, zero veto power, and zero economic authority in Brussels but would successfully reclassify the freezing Canadian tundra as the European Union’s official overflow parking lot for unprocessable asylum seekers.
“Canada is a vast country with enormous resources, abundant land, and a surprisingly large amount of empty space,” von der Leyen said. “It is therefore ideally positioned to help Europe address several of its most pressing challenges, such as population redistribution.”
Carney echoed the sentiment, saying, “By agreeing to absorb 800,000 of Europe’s undocumented migrants annually, we are proving that Canada is a mature, progressive global player perfectly willing to sacrifice its own housing market just to be invited to the cool kids’ table and more importantly, stick it to the United States.”
At press time, Carney was receiving a prolonged, standing ovation in the European Parliament as the first of forty-two planes loaded with European migrants touched down at Toronto International Airport.
