LONDON, UK — Seeking to soothe the anxieties of the the millions of undocumented migrants currently arriving on Britain’s shores, King Charles III issued a formal royal proclamation Wednesday, assuring migrants that the government’s proposed Orwellian Digital ID system is strictly designed to be weaponized against the country’s native White British citizens.
The digital ID will monitor everything from an individual’s carbon footprint and NHS medical records to their social media “wrongthink” and frequency of pub attendance. However, His Majesty King Charles stressed that the thousands of unvetted young military-aged men entering the country daily can rest easy, knowing they will remain entirely anonymous while being put up indefinitely in four-star hotels.
“To our newest arrivals, let me be perfectly clear: your lack of documentation is not a hindrance, but a shield,” said the Monarch, wearing a jewel-encrusted crown funded by the taxpayers he was currently legislating against. “We recognize that the indignity of being tracked, traced, and digitally shackled by an all-encompassing state apparatus is a trauma that should only be visited upon those whose families have lived here for at least four centuries. This Digital ID is a special initiative reserved for White British citizens only.”
Prime Minister Keir Starmer quickly praised the King’s speech, calling the two-tier surveillance system a triumph of modern progressive values and that it would be deeply insensitive and culturally ignorant to ask a newcomer to be tracked or monitored by the State.
At press time, King Charles ended his historic address by reminding the British public that noticing the blatant hypocrisy of the new digital ID system is a Class A hate crime, punishable by having their digital ID automatically delete their bank account.
